Christmas 2017 # 1

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS SPATS?

Are you wearing Christmas spats?
Well I don’t like them much
But I have to admit that the motif
Of holly is a very nice touch

CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE

“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire”
That’s Christmas day with Stephen
But I only have myself to blame
For marrying a sodding vegan

RISQUÉ OR RUDE

If you do something at Christmas
That’s either risqué or rude
Then don’t be at all surprised
If it ends up on Yule Tube

INSULTED SANTA

The local shopping Mall Santa
Turned out to be a very grumpy chap
When a little girl put a bin bag down
Just before she sat on his lap

MY WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER # 3

My worst Christmas present ever
Without a doubt, I have concluded
Was when I received a box of batteries
Labelled “toys not included”

THREE MEN DIED ON CHRISTMAS EVE

Three men died on Christmas Eve
And were stood before St Peter
“You must all pass a simple test
Before you are allowed to enter”

“So produce a symbol of the season
Either on or about your person”

The first man retrieved a bauble
From his overcoat pocket
And St Peter turned to the gate
And proceeded to unlock it

St Peter said “You are blessed
Because you have passed the test”

The next man took a red bow
From his overcoat pocket
And St Peter turned to the gate
And proceeded to unlock it

St Peter said “You are blessed
Because you have passed the test”

The last man took a pair of panties
From his overcoat pocket
St Peter stood fast before the gate
And made no effort to unlock it

St Peter said “You are not blessed
Because you have failed the test”

“In what way do a pair of knickers
Symbolized the Christmas season
I fail to see how they are appropriate
So enlighten me as to the reason”

So the man proceeded to explain
“A young woman’s intimate apparels
Are without a doubt appropriate
When they happen to be carols”

IT WAS ANOTHER SUV CHRISTMAS

It was another SUV Christmas
Thanks to my significant other
No not that kind of SUV, I got
Socks, Underwear and Viagra

THERE IS A SINGING ELF

There is a singing Elf
Up at the North Pole
With a powerful voice
For one so small and dapper

The singing Elf croons
All day in the workshop
So the other Elf’s call him
The Christmas Wrapper

SANTA IS SUCH A JOLLY CHAP

Have you ever wondered
Why Santa is such a jolly chap?
Well it’s because he knows
Where all the naughty girls are at

WHY DOESN'T SANTA HAVE ANY KIDS?

Why doesn't Santa have any kids?
Well it’s impossible for him see
As he only comes once a year
And he’s normally up a chimney