Sunday 25 December 2016

Christmas Poem Selection # 13

ARE YOU WEARING A SANTA OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a Santa outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
The boots and beard and hat
And padding to make you look fat
I didn’t believe in Santa anymore
Now I see you and I think phwor

I HATE JANUARY

I hate January
January I do not enjoy
It has no pleasure
It has no joy

Christmas is over
All the money has gone
5 weeks till payday
January is wrong

I love December
December has it all
December is the time
To have a ball

In fact December
Has too much fun
And not enough time
To get it all done

The Festivities
Leave us in a daze
There is too much
For 31 days

So the solution
Is a simple one
I can’t believe
It hasn’t been done

Get rid of January
No one likes it
Have two Decembers
Then everything will fit

IT’S THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS DO

It’s the office Christmas do
So let’s have a tipple or two
We can drink the Spanish sherry
We can drink until we’re merry
Then into an office we’ll stumble
And we’ll have a Christmas fumble

AFTER THREE WEEKS OR SO

After three weeks or so
Working in the grotto
It begins to take its toll
On the poor old soul
Sitting on his great chair
Pretending to care
As all the girls and boys
Plead for various toys
Kids of every shape and size
Looking for a prize
Clambering on his knee
Wriggling with glee
Until the poor old chap
Suffers from Santa lap

THE OFFICE PARTY

The office party
Was relief from the slog
When you spent your time
Hitting the nog
And hanging by the mistletoe
Hoping for a snog

I DON’T NEED THE FINEST GIFT

I don’t need the finest gift
I don’t need a Christmas wish
Because I’m already blessed
With a special Christmas dish

AT THE ANNUAL CHRISTMAS BINGE

Well at the end of the year
Its managements’ biggest fear
That staff should infringe
At the annual Christmas Binge

After spiking the fruit punch
In the canteen after lunch
Their totally off their hinge
At the annual Christmas Binge

The amount of alcohol downed
As many a sorrow was drowned
Made the accountant whinge
At the annual Christmas Binge

The extent of the revelling
Was quite frankly bedevilling
Enough for his beard to singe
At the annual Christmas Binge

The things that a little party ho
Did beneath the mistletoe
Would make a puritan cringe
At the annual Christmas Binge

Karen from reception bless her
Botox-ed her face with vodka
With a catering syringe
At the annual Christmas Binge

The level of fraternization
Was quite a revelation
And caused a few backs to twinge
At the annual Christmas Binge

You may well be forgiven
After the events which had arisen
That it was the lunatic fringe
At their annual Christmas Binge

Next day when the party was over
Everyone suffered from a hangover
And all took on an earthy tinge
The day after the Christmas binge

MY GIFT IS A SPECIAL LOVE

My gift is a special love
That lasts the whole year through
So if I had a Christmas wish
I would still wish for you

A SPRIG OF MISTLETOE

There hangs a sprig of Mistletoe
The first of the season I’ve seen
Its berries glowing like pearls
Amongst the tiny leaves of green

And below stands sweet Emily
Where hangs the Mistletoe above
Tied with red ribbon to the beam
And I claim a kiss from the girl I love

MY COMFORT AND SUCCOUR

Have a lovely Christmas
My companion and confident
My friend of friends,
My comfort and succour
Have a lovely Christmas
Soother of my soul
You are everything to me
Except my lover
Have a lovely Christmas
Occupant of my heart
My comfort and succour
My secret love

A WASTED WISH

Why would I make a Christmas Wish?
And hope that it would come true,
What on earth could I ever wish for?
That would be a tenth as good as you

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS GARTERS?

Are you wearing Christmas garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there festive garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Christmas garters?

EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL - FROSTY

Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer

When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown

And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Crepe paper creation

We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Frosty’s incarnation

And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The carrot faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Frosty
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets

THE YOUNG ELF EDUCATIONALISTS

The young Elf Educationalists
Have discovered an alarming theme
Those who struggle to learn the Elf-abet
Will in later life suffer low Elf esteem

NOVELTY TREE CHOCOLATES

When we were kids,
Before we went to bed,
My brothers and me
Were allowed a pick
A novelty chocolate
Off the Christmas tree

Saturday 24 December 2016

Have yourself a very naughty Christmas # 3

BAD SANTA # 3

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
So naughty girl when he comes into view
It won’t be candy cane in his pocket
He’ll be really pleased to see you!

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS HOSIERY?

Are you wearing Christmas hosiery?
Phwor are you going to let me see
Oh how they cling to the shape of you
I would like to cling to them too
Oh yes I like them very much
Perhaps I might have a touch
Oh you are a proper tease
Would you let me if I said please?

DEAR SWEET CINDERELLA

Dear sweet Cinderella
Does no one love you at all?
Is that the real reason?
You’re not going to the ball

Or is there another reason
Are you just too sweet?
Just simply too demure
To be given such a treat

If your morals were looser
You would gain a reputation
And you would be asked
Without any hesitation

A stain on your character
Will show blacker than cinders
And you will go to the ball
And have a ball dear Sin-ders

THE DAUGHTER OF ONE OF SANTA’S ELVES

The daughter of one of Santa’s Elves
Was out of control and a bit of a prancer
So he sent her to college in Lapland
To stop her from being a pole dancer
But she soon dropped out of college
And now she’s a popular lap dancer

THE CLAUS’S LAY IN THEIR BED

The Claus’s lay in their bed
And Santa was heard to say
My lap isn't the only place
Where wishes come true

THE CLAUS’S SAT BESIDE THE FIRE

The Claus’s sat beside the fire
And Santa was heard to say
When was the last Christmas
That we did it in a sleigh?

IT WAS IN THE BELFRY

It was in the belfry
On Christmas Eve
High in the tower
I tried to retrieve
A poor little kitten
Who was stuck
When suddenly
The bell was struck
I lost my footing
And began to fall
I thought this is
The end of it all
So I had onto grab
Or surely die
My Ding dong
Merrily on high

EVERYONE IS SO HAPPY

Everyone is so happy
Damn them all to hell
But I drank too much last night
And today I feel unwell

The cheerful souls
Can’t abide to see a frown
And want me to turn
My frown upside down

At first I decided
That I would merely scoff
But it didn’t work
So I told them to piss off

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 1

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Lap Dancer

SHE HAD A VERY FRUSTRATING CHRISTMAS

She had a very frustrating Christmas
Such was the impression she exuded
Apparently the gift from Ms Summers
Was labelled “batteries not included”

YOU CAN KEEP THE SLEIGH # 2

You can keep the sleigh
And Rudolph and Prancer
There’s nothing Santa likes
More than a Pole Dancer

ARE YOU A CHRISTMAS FAIRY?

Are you a Christmas Fairy?
It’s just you’re a little bit scary
And you also look a bit weird
I think it’s the long ginger beard

A MAN BOUGHT A CHRISTMAS TREE

A man bought a Christmas tree
He got it off the shelf
But he was rushed to A & E
After putting it up himself

SANTA’S YOUNGEST DAUGHTER MARY

Santa’s youngest daughter Mary
Was promiscuous and out of control
So he sent her to a girl’s boarding school
To keep her off the North Pole

ARE YOU WEARING REINDEER ANTLERS?

Are you wearing Reindeer antlers?
Well not the most original twist
You’ve been making rather merry
More Christmas spirit than you could resist
What exactly am I suggesting?
A little too much wine would be the gist
What makes me think that?
Well I’ll tell you if you insist
Apart from the slurred speech
You are walking with a starboard list
And your antlers sit in disarray
So that’s how I know you’re pissed

Christmas Movie Reviews # 6

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – HOLIDAY HELP

A single mom, Nicky Talbot (Alicia Witt) is going from door to door to find a job and boost her finances but without success.
Then a friend tells her that a big store is hiring so she goes along and gets a holiday job at Cartwright’s department store but not as floor staff, she gets the job as Santa Claus in the grotto.
This was achieved when an angel, Harry Osbourne (Wallace Shawn) entered her life and brought about some positive changes, including the spark of a new romance.
She of course was unaware that he was an angel and she thought he was from corporate.
Her head elf in the grotto was Peg (Linda Kash) and she thought Nicky was wonderful in fact everyone loved Santa Nick, except the evil Fiona Aldrich (Gabrielle Miller) who was her boss.
Nicky’s daughter Becky (T.J. McGibbon) is cute without being precocious and the love interest is supplied very ably by department head Bill (Gabriel Hogan) and her landlady Mrs. Rositani is played by the excellent Jayne Eastwood.
This is a great film, believable yet magical and any Christmas film with an Angel in it gets my vote.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – A GRANDPA FOR CHRISTMAS

Bert O'Riley (Ernest Borgnine) is an old-time entertainer who is retired from showbiz and estranged not only from his daughter Marie (Tracy Nelson) but also his 9-year-old granddaughter, Becca (Juliette Goglia).
And it would have remained that way had Marie not been badly hurt in a car crash and had to be hospitalized for a prolonged period.
Social services has to find someone for 9 year old Becca to stay with, her father isn’t on the scene her grandmother is dead so they turned to Bert.
He was about to sell his house and move into a retirement home but suddenly finds himself caring for a granddaughter he didn’t know he had.
It’s very awkward at first, Becca is horrified she has to live with her Grandpa because not only has she never met him, but everything she had ever heard about him her whole life is what a bum he was.
But gradually the bond between the two of them grows and she realises that Bert isn’t a bum after all, in fact she gets to meet his old show-biz friends, Roxie Famosa (Katherine Helmond) Adam Johnson (Jamie Farr) and Karl Sugarman (Richard Libertini) and she learns that her Grandpa is a pretty good guy and that her Mom was wrong about her Dad all along.
While Marie was in hospital he showed tender loving care towards Becca and took charge in her life and when she was ready to be discharged she accepted that she and her daughter had been brainwashed into thinking that Bert was an ogre and agreed that they should go and live with him.
It's a wonderful story emphasizing strong family traditions which is most appropriate for the holiday season.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE SANTA CLAUSE

Divorcee Scott Calvin (Tim Allen) is disgusted to learn that his ex-wife Laura (Wendy Crewson) and her husband Dr Neil Miller (Judge Reinhold) have tried to break it to their 6-year-old son Charlie (Eric Lloyd) that Santa isn't real, thankfully they failed but a huge argument ensued.
But on Christmas Eve, after Scott has read “The Night Before Christmas” to Charlie and put him to bed Charlie is awakened by a bump on the roof so he wakes up his Dad.
They discover a man in a Santa suit on the roof and when he's startled by Scott calling out to him, he falls, leaving only an 8-reindeer sleigh and an empty suit with instructions to put it on if the previous occupant was involved in an accident.
Scott does as the card says and is transported all around the town dropping gifts through chimneys until he's taken to the North Pole and informed by a group who claim they're elves, led by Bernard (David Krumholtz), that he is now Santa Claus.
Charlie is so proud of his dad's new job, though Scott is convinced that it was just a dream, that is until his hair turns white, his beard keeps growing back, and he inexplicably gains a lot of weight.
He finds himself unable to come to any other conclusion other than to accept that he is Santa, however there is just one problem, how is he going to keep it secret from his disbelieving family.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE SANTA CLAUSE 3: THE ESCAPE CLAUSE

Santa Claus (Tim Allen) had problems, it was only a few days before Christmas and production was lagging, Mrs. Claus (Elizabeth Mitchell) was about to give birth to their first child and wanted family time, and the Counsel of Legendary Figures had called an emergency meeting to discuss Jack Frost (Martin Short) and at the end of the meeting he is left with Santa, on probation and under his supervision.
To appease his wife he flew her parents (Alan Arkin and Ann-Margret) up to the North Pole but had to pretend to them that they were in Canada.
He also brings his ex-wife Laura (Wendy Crewson), her husband Neil (Judge Reinhold), and their daughter Lucy (Liliana Mumy) to surround his wife with family.
But while Santa is busy with the family Jack makes mischief inside the toy factory and hatches a plan to become Santa and with Santa juggling so many things he manages to trick him into invoking the little-known Escape Clause and wish he'd never become Santa.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE CHRISTMAS BOX

Richard Evans (Richard Thomas) a struggling ski-shop owner reluctantly moves himself, his wife Keri (Annette O'Toole) and his daughter Jenna (Kelsey Mulrooney) in to an old estate as live-in help for an elderly widow, Mary Parkin (Maureen O'Hara).
While he struggles to balance his career and family life, he has recurring dreams about an angel.
The relationship between Keri, Jenna and Mrs Parkin is very revealing and the moment of the tree decorating is particularly heart-warming but it’s her interactions with Richard that exposes the secrets and sadness of her past.
This is a great holiday film with a classy performance from Maureen O'Hara and Richard Thomas puts in a gem of a performance.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – ANGEL IN THE FAMILY

Sarah Bishop (Tracey Needham) and her estranged sister Beth (Natasha Gregson Wagner) are reunited after their father Buddy (Ronny Cox) suffers a mild stroke.
Buddy, who's never accepted the loss of his wife Lorraine (Meredith Baxter), has only one wish and that is for her to return home for Christmas.
With the sweet memories of Christmas‘s gone by brought to mind, Sarah makes an impossible wish, namely that her mother could be there too and make the family complete.
And by morning, the Christmas prayer had been answered when her mother returned from beyond the grave to spend one final Christmas with her earthbound family.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – GIFT OF THE MAGI

Mark Webber and Marla Sokoloff star in this modern take on the classic tale the Gift of the Magi.
Newlyweds Jim and Della Young move into their new apartment, that they can barely afford and despite having to make do with second hand furnishings they are happy.
However after Della’s car is stolen they have to use up all their saving to buy another one.
As a result they agree not to buy Christmas presents that year.
Secretly however they both decide to do so anyway.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – A CHRISTMAS VISITOR

A remarkable Christmas story of loss and renewal in which the Boyajian’s have not celebrated Christmas in 11 years not since they lost their son to the Persian Gulf War and their faith was lost with him.
But that all changed when a stranger joined them, who was around the same age their son would have been.
George (William Devane) struggles with the past and his wife Carol (Meredith Baxter) searches for answers and his daughter Jean (Reagan Pasternak) fights for the future.
They wonder if the stranger, Matthew (Dean McDermott), is a con artist or if he is perhaps the miracle their family has been waiting for.
Slowly his influence reawakens their faith and appreciation of Christmas in a way that will change them forever.
It’s a lovely endearing tale of small town America and learning to appreciate what you have through what you’ve lost.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS 2015

Jamie Patterson Mason Douglas is jealous of his rich friend Blake Matthews (Juliocesar Chavez) so when he gets annoyed at his parents (Antonio Sabato Jr and Shannen Doherty) he makes a wish to swap families with his wealthy best friend at Christmas.
To his delight his wish comes true and he finds himself living the extravagant lifestyle he always dreamed of true However despite having everything he ever wanted, his new mother and father have little time for him, and he grandmother has been dumped in a home and so he ends up trying to put things back the way they were.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE CHRISTMAS LIST

Krissy Kringle (Hilarie Burton) dislikes Christmas intently, mainly because she’s had to go through life with the name Krissy Kringle.
But she also suffered the indignity of having her street renamed “Candy Cane Lane” as a result of her name and the street name she gets regular deliveries of Christmas mail.
This particular year however was worse than normal when she is fired from the Ad Agency where she works instead of getting the promotion she was expecting and is forced to take a job as a present wrapper at the Mall and must dress as an Elf.
When she arrives home and forces open her front door, amidst the mountain of Christmas mail she finds a special delivery intended for Santa Claus, the Naughty or Nice book which he had left behind while visiting a child.
Krissy uses the power of the book to expose the naughty deeds of those around her, but soon finds that her newfound power can have devastating results.
Gabriel Tigerman is excellent as Krissie’s partner in crime at the Mall, Marco Webb and Michael Gross and Meredith Baxter put in a convincing performances as her parents Walter and Carol Kringle.

Christmas Carols and Songs # 3

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 48 THE AGE OLD REASON FOR JOY

The Age Old Reason for Joy
Composed by Robin Mayhew

Some know very well the age old story of the birth and life of Christ.
It's hard to believe all that's been narrated in our modern world of light.
Magic stories, Christ ascending
All give some a cause to doubt
But (Amin) faith is the thing you (Dmin) must (Amin) develop
To give you heart and sing it out.
Chorus
Let us sing our praise
On this special day
Young and old as one
Full of love and fun
It's that time of year
To be so full of cheer
One divine birth
And our Saviour is here.
Verse 2
Before He was born the Ten Commandments were known by almost every man.
God gave them to Moses well before to underline His wondrous plan.
But man had stumbled from the path
So God sent his Son.
To give to the world an understanding
Of what is right and what is wrong.
Chorus
Let us sing our praise
On this Christmas day
Young and old as one
Full of love and fun.
It's that time of year
To be so full of cheer
One divine birth
And Jesus is here.
Verse 3
Gather all of your loved ones close around and sing of the joy this Day does bring.
Make friends and wish them all the best and teach them all the words to sing.
Tell your children
And their children
Everything thing you know that's right
For faith and love is born at Christmas
Through God's son Jesus Christ.
Chorus
Let us sing our praise (There's so much to sing about)
On this Christmas day (Makes you want to shout it out)
Young and old as one.(There's so much to celebrate)
Full of love and fun. .(On this very special date)
It's that time of year (Let us make it very clear)
To be so full of cheer (Only joy and never fear)
One divine birth (Happiness and merriment)
And Jesus is here.
Reprise
So there is the age old reason for
This wondrous joy at
Christmas time.

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 45 DRIVING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favorites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my forty fifth selection.

“Driving Home For Christmas”
Written and Performed by Chris Rea
I'm driving home for christmas
Oh, I can't wait to see those faces
I'm driving home for christmas, yea
Well I'm moving down that line
And it's been so long
But I will be there
I sing this song
To pass the time away
Driving in my car
Driving home for christmas

It's gonna take some time
But I'll get there
Top to toe in tailbacks
Oh, I got red lights on the run
But soon there'll be a three-way
Get my feet on holy ground

So I sing for you
Though you can't hear me
When I get trough
And feel you near me
I am driving home for christmas
Driving home for christmas
With a thousand memories

I take look at the driver next to me
He's just the same
Just the same

Top to toe in tailbacks
Oh, I got red lights on the run
I'm driving home for christmas, yea
Get my feet on holy ground
So I sing for you
Though you can't hear me
When I get trough
And feel you near me
Driving in my car
Driving home for christmas
Driving home for christmas
With a thousand memories

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 46 RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favorites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my forty sixth selection.

“Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer”
Written by John Marks
Performed by Bing Crosby

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you recall?
The most famous reindeer of all?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Has a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows.
All of the other reindeer's
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
Rudolph with your nose so bright,
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

Then all the reindeer loved him,
As they shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the red-nosed Reindeer
You'll go down in history!

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Has a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it,
You would even say it glows,
And all of the other reindeer's
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games,

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
Rudolph with your nose so bright,
Wont you guide my sleigh tonight?

Then all the reindeer loved him,
As they shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,
You'll go down in history!

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 42 THE SEVEN JOYS OF MARY

The Seven Joys of Mary
English traditional Music and lyrics authorship unknown

The very first joy that Mary had,
It was the joy of one
To see her blessed Jesus
When He was first her Son
When He was first her Son.
Chorus
When He was Her first Son, Good Lord;
And happy may we be,
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
To all eternity
The next good joy that Mary had,
It was the joy of two
To see her own son Jesus,
To make the lame to go.
To make the lame to go. Chorus
The next good joy that Mary had,
It was the joy of three
To see her own son Jesus,
To make the blind to see.
To make the blind to see. Chorus
The next good joy that Mary had,
It was the joy of four
To see her own son Jesus,
To read the Bible o'er.
To read the Bible o'er. Chorus
The next good joy that Mary had,
It was the joy of five
To see her own son Jesus,
To bring the dead alive.
To bring the dead alive. Chorus
The next good joy that Mary had,
It was the joy of six
To see her own son Jesus,
Upon the Crucifix
Upon the Crucifix. Chorus
The next good joy that Mary had,
It was the joy of seven
To see her own son Jesus,
To wear the crown of Heaven
To wear the crown of Heaven Chorus

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 48 CHRISTMAS LULLABY

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favorites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my forty eighth selection.

“Christmas Lullaby”
Written By Ann Hampton Callaway
Performed by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles

This is a Christmas Lullaby
To still you softly into dreaming
A simple Christmas lullaby
I sing to you each passing year
The world is wrapped in joy and wonder in silent mystery
And in this spell that we are under
Blessing surround our hearts completely
This is a Christmas Lullaby
For someone lovely as snow falling
I sing your Christmas Lullaby
To cradle you with all our love
Let peace on earth be yours tonight
Under the star that shines so bright
The world is wrapped in joy and wonder in silent mystery
And in this spell that we are under
Blessing surround our hearts completely

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 43 SIR CHRISTMAS

Sir Christmas
Music and lyrics written by Rev Richard Smart 1435-1477

Sir Christmas appears and sings
Nowel, Nowel, Nowel, Nowel.
The Assembly asks
Who is this that singeth so,
Nowel, Nowel, Nowel.
Sir Christmas replies
I am here, Sir Christemas.
The Assembly
Welcome my Lord, Sir Christmas.
Welcome to us all, both more and less.
Come near. Nowel.
Sir Christmas
Dieu vous garde beaux sieurs, tidings I you bring:
A maid hath y-bore a Child full young,
The which causeth you for to sing Nowel.
The Assembly
Nowel, Nowel, Nowel, Nowel.
Sir Christmas
Christ is now born of a pure maid,
In an ox stall He is laid,
Wherefore sing we all at a brayde. Nowel.
The Assembly
Nowel, Nowel, Nowel, Nowel.
Sir Christmas
Buvex bien par toute la compagnie.
Make good cheer and be right merry
And sing with us now joyfully. Nowel.
The Assembly
Nowel, Nowel, Nowel, Nowel.

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS SONG # 47 THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY

Despite the general awfulness of the Christmas song there are however always exceptions to the rule and I have a short list of personal favorites.
Without exception all my choices not only include the song but the best performer of that song and so in no particular order here is my forty seventh selection.

“The Little Drummer Boy”
Written by Katherine K. Davis, Henry Onorati and Harry Simeone
Performed by Bing Crosby

Come they told me pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
A new-born king to see pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
Our finest gifts we bring pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
Rum-pum-pum-pum, rum-pum-pum-pum
Come they told me pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
A new-born king to see pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
Our finest gifts we bring pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
to lay before the king pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
Rum-pum-pum-pum, rum-pum-pum-pum
so to honour him pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
when we come
Little baby pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
I stood beside him there pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
I played my drum for him pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
I played my best for him pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
Rum-pum-pum-pum, rum-pum-pum-pum
And he smiled at me pa-rum-pum-pum-pum
me and my drum

FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS CAROL # 44 STAR OF THE EAST

Star Of The East
Lyrics written by Alfred Hans Zoller
Translation by George Cooper in 1890
Music by Amanda Kennedy in 1883

Star of the East, Oh Bethlehem's star,
Guiding us on to Heaven afar!
Sorrow and grief are lull'd by thy light,
Thou hope of each mortal, in death's lonely night!

Fearless and tranquil, we look up to Thee!
Knowing thou beam'st thro' eternity!
Help us to follow where Thou still dost guide,
Pilgrims of earth so wide.

Star of the East, thou hope of the soul,
While round us here the dark billows roll,
Lead us from sin to glory afar,
Thou star of the East, thou sweet Bethlehem's star.

Star of the East, undimmed by each cloud,
What tho' the storms of grief gather loud?
Faithful and pure thy rays beam to save,
Still bright o'er the cradle, and bright o'er the grave!

Smiles of a Saviour are mirror'd in Thee!
Glimpses of Heaven in thy light we see!
Guide us still onward to that blessed shore,
After earth's toil is o'er!

Star of the East, thou hope of the soul,
While round us here the dark billows roll,
Lead us from sin to glory afar,
Thou star of the East, thou sweet Bethlehem's star.

Oh star that leads to God above!
Whose rays are peace and joy and love!
Watch o'er us still till life hath ceased,
Beam on, bright star, sweet Bethlehem star!

Christmas Poem Selection # 12

ARE YOU WEARING ELF EARS?

Are you wearing elf ears?
It’s a very sweet look on you
So take me to your workshop
And do what little elves do

NOW THAT IT'S CHRISTMAS # 2

Now that it's Christmas
It makes me kind of glum
To do all the things
I used to do with mum
But when I feel her beside me
Then I don’t feel so glum

IT ISN’T SUPPED WITH ENDLESS BEERS

The magic of Christmas
Isn’t supped with endless beers
Nor is it to be expressed
Within vociferous cheers
The magic of Christmas
As through all the years
Is to be found in the company
Of your nears and dears

IF I GREW A BEARD OF WHITE

If I grew a beard of white
On the off chance that I might
Have a chance to advance my cause
By appearing to you as Santa Claus
And you would have you tell to me
As you sat upon my knee
What it is that you most desire
And to what hopes you most aspire
And if those secrets you told to me
You might find them beneath your tree

WE WENT TO A FAIRY TALE PARTY

We went to a fairy tale party
Which I thought was crappy
I ended up feeling grumpy
While my wife was feeling happy

THE LAST REINDEER

A reindeer walked into a pub,
And ordered a pint of beer.
The barman pulled a pint
And gave it to the reindeer,

The reindeer took the drink
And handed over a ten
He checked his change
Then he checked it again

The barman then said
"You’re the first reindeer
I think I’m right in saying
That we've had in here."

He delivered to the barman
A look, barely disguised
“To be honest at these prices
I'm really not surprised”

CHRISTMAS TRIMMINGS

Christmas planning is essential
Or else the festive ambience suffers
And you will not easily be forgiven
If you forget the stocking stuffer’s

BELLS AND SMELLS

Bells and smells
Bells and smells
Christmas all the way
Oh what fun it is to sing
Of the holy Christmas day

FAIRY TALE STATISTIC

Here’s a Statistic
That’s really crappy
6 out of 7 dwarves
Really aren’t Happy

LITTLE BOXES

Little parcels by the fireside
Little parcels wrapped in pretty paper
Little parcels by the fireside
Little labels all the same

There's a round one and a square one
And a long one and a squishy one,
And they're all wrapped in pretty paper
Little labels all the same

And the people in their houses
All sit beside the Christmas tree
And one un-wraps a pretty parcel
Then the others do the same

So the round one and the square one
And the long one and the squishy one,
That were all wrapped in pretty paper
Christmas presents is the name

GLIDING IN DESCENT

Gliding in descent
On gossamer wings
The angel of the lord
Rejoicing sings
A child is born
The king of kings

ARE YOU WEARING A CHRISTMAS TIE?

Are you wearing a Christmas Tie?
Well my next question is why?
Because it really is quite unpleasant
Let me guess it was a present

CHRISTMAS DAY JUST AFTER LUNCH

Christmas day just after Lunch
My family, being a fun loving bunch
Engage enthusiastically one and all
In parlour games to enthral
At first the alcohol fuelled the fun
And a good time was had by everyone
However as the day wore on
With all self-control long gone
The games degenerate into farce
As an opponent is knocked on his arse
And the afternoon ends in tears
As it has done across the years
And dad makes his annual decree
“Games are forthwith banned” said he

MY BROTHER WAS FIVE YEARS MY SENIOR

My brother was five years my senior
So he always led me astray
He took me on a hunt every December
Leading up to Christmas day
To find the presents that mum and dad
Had cunningly stashed away

EVERY YEAR WITHOUT FAIL - SANTA

Every year without fail
On Christmas Eve
It would appear
And we children
Would squeal out
A deafening cheer

When the source
Of our excitement
Was carefully set down
And we would sit
In our clean pajama’s
And dressing gown

And stare at the object
Open mouthed
In gleeful expectation
Of what was beneath
The cotton wool and
Red crepe paper creation

We would have to wait
The longest time
In anticipation
But it was worth it
Too see inside the belly
Of Santa’s incarnation

And when we thought
We could wait no longer
We all jumped to our feet
As Dad slowly removed
The pink faced head
And revealed the treats
And as Dad gave Santa
A little shake, out spilled
The Christmas sweets

Friday 23 December 2016

Have yourself a very naughty Christmas # 2

BAD SANTA # 2

Bad Santa is a bit of a perve
For the girls with a bit of curve
He reads the naughty and nice list
But prefers the "nice and naughty list”

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing Christmas stockings?
Beneath your long red coat
Are you suitably resplendent?
Will you really float my boat?
Are they risqué and shocking?
Will they easily get my vote?
It could mean a happy Christmas
For a certain horny old goat

WHEN CHRISTMAS DAY WAS OVER # 2

When Christmas Day was over
Mrs Claus needed a release
It was a very stressful time
Spreading good will and peace

So as soon as Santa was rested
She always liked to have a bit
Being partial to the "North Pole"
Well, that's what Mrs C calls it

WHERE THE LONELY ELVES GO

The “house of fun” in Santa’s village
Is where lonely elves go to take pause
And the owner proudly boasts that
He has more ho’s than Santa Claus

THERE IS A POPULAR MYTH ABOUT RUDOLPH

There is a popular myth about Rudolph
And his quite legendary shiny nose
But believe me if you ever saw him
You would know that’s not what glows

HE CAME HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE

He came home on Christmas Eve
On his long awaited Christmas leave
The soldier returned from the war
To find his beloved waiting at the door
It took seconds for passions to ignite
Which made it a Not-so-Silent Night

SO WHEN YOUNG MRS CLAUS ARRIVED IN TOWN

So when young Mrs Claus arrived in town
I looked at her with her pure white hair
She was a pretty woman but to my discredit
I couldn’t help thinking as I looked at her
How I like the collar and cuffs to match
So obviously I was thinking of a little white fur

RUDOLF WAS SUCH AN OBNOXIOUS REINDEER

Rudolf was such an obnoxious reindeer
The song about him was just a farse
The other reindeer all hated him and said
He could stick his red nose up his arse

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA CLAUS

The difference between Santa Claus
And a serial philanderer as it goes
Is in essence a total lack of self-control
Because Santa stopped at three ho’s

THE LATEST GOSSIP IS IN FROM THE NORTH POLE

The latest gossip is in from the North Pole
And the Claus’s have divorced you know
So why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?
Because he found out she was a ho ho ho

IN THE GREAT NORTH POLE HALLS

When all the work is done
In the great north pole halls
The elves dress up for dancing
For their Christmas Balls!

IF ONLY YOUR LEFT LEG WAS CHRISTMAS

If only your left leg was Christmas
And your right leg was New Year’s Day
Then I could devote all of my time
To visiting you between the holidays

IF ONLY YOUR LEFT LEG WAS THANKSGIVING

If only your left leg was Thanksgiving
And your right leg was Christmas day
Then I could devote all of my time
To visiting you between the holidays

YOU ARE A NAUGHTY LITTLE ELF

You are a naughty little Elf
Do you behave yourself?
By the look upon your face
You’re no stranger to disgrace
So it is my Christmas wish
To share a Christmas kiss
So climb upon me knee
And you will quickly see
I have that special touch
That you’ll like very much
When I curl your toes
Inside your ho ho hose

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK TINSEL?

Are you wearing black tinsel?
Tied amidst your lustrous curls
Well you must either be a Grinch
Or you’re a very wicked girl

Christmas Movie Reviews # 5

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – A NANNY FOR CHRISTMAS

Smart young career woman Ally (Emmanuelle Vaugier) needs a new job and she thinks she has found one when Samantha (Cynthia Gibb) a busy Beverly Hills advertising executive/mom offers her a position.
Danny Donner (Dean Cain) is the tough-guy owner of a chocolate company who wants a major ad campaign immediately and Samantha’s firm is given the job and it turned out that what she needed was a Nanny to her two well-mannered kids to give her the time to work on it.
Although Ally was disappointed she takes the job and finds that she needs to put some fun in the children’s lives while working on some ideas for the campaign herself in her spare time.
The events that follow lead to the Christmas that changes everyone's worlds forever.
Sierra McCormick and Jared Gilmore play the children, Sarah Thompson plays Ally’s friend and Richard Ruccolo provides the romantic interest in this delightful comedy of little white lies, holiday wishes, and a young woman who finds love in the most unexpected place by becoming A Nanny for Christmas.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE TOWN CHRISTMAS FORGOT

The Benson family are on their way through a blizzard to a luxury resort for the Christmas holiday when their car breaks down.
They are rescued by mechanic Coleman Burkins (Phillip Jarrett) and taken to Nowhere, a sleepy Colorado town, which was more like a Ghost Town since the local mine closed.
Due to weather and the required spare part for the car being in another town the family end up being stuck in the dying town until the weather clears.
Initially they are appalled, no shopping Mall, no latte’s, cell service or cable TV but they do find things to do.
Banker Charles Benson's son Nolan (Azer Greco) befriends the grumpy old toy shop owner and persistently charms him into becoming the Santa in the Christmas pageant which his mother Annie (Lauren Holly) helped to organize with local diner owner Samantha (Stephanie Belding).
Daughter Trish (Torri Webster) discovered a young band and joins in to perform a set at the pageant.
In between everything else Charles got stuck in the mine with the mechanic, whom he befriended, and in the end Charles turns out to be the towns Christmas benefactor.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – ONE MAGIC CHRISTMAS

In this uplifting Christmas offering Gideon (Harry Dean Stanton) is a Christmas angel, sent by Santa, to help wife and mother Ginny Grainger (Mary Steenburgen).
He must show her the true meaning of Christmas, not just presents and materialistic things, but the people she cares most about in the world, however it is no easy task as Ginny is a cynic, and furthermore she hates Christmas.
And in addition She and her family, husband Jack (Gary Basaraba) and two kids, Cal (Robbie Magwood) and Abbie (Elisabeth Harnois) have fallen on hard times, making it even harder for her to believe in anything that can't be seen.
But Gideon thinks he can find a way to make Ginny believe again with help from Abbie, and a trip to the North Pole to see the big man himself.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – CHRISTMAS SPIRIT 2011

A cynical youth, Riley (Aaron Jaeger), whose mother Sarah (Maureen McCormick) is about to lose her job right before the holidays, is visited by a magical Christmas spirit called Hope (Vanessa Angel).
She gives him a task to help another family regain their Christmas spirit and by so doing get it back for himself.
Alexandra Paul, Jason Brooks and Mariah Buzolin star as the family in crisis but Janet Carroll steals the show as Grandmother Betty.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – CHRISTMAS MAIL

In this holiday romantic comedy, Kristi North (Ashley Scott) works two months out of the year and always doing the same job, hand writing responses to the children who wrote Santa letters.
Santa Claus, her father, sends her to a different post office depot every year and in the film she’s in Del Vista, California.
However the Del Vista branch is managed by the egotistical Richard Fuller (Lochlyn Munro) who has no Christmas spirit whatsoever and won’t even allow any Christmas adornments.
He also believes Kristi to be a corporate spy so he enlists the unwilling assistance of mail carrier Matt Sanders (A.J. Buckley) as assistant manager, and primarily his job was to spy on Kristi and report back to Fuller.
As a single man taking care of an eight year old child, his orphaned niece Emily (Piper Mackenzie Harris), Matt takes the job solely because he needs the money.
Unbeknown to him Emily writes to Santa about her Christmas wish which is to see her Uncle Matt happy.
Santa's response, via Kristi, who is unaware that Emily's Uncle Matt is the same as the Matt she works with, leads to Emily trying to act as matchmaker which is where the fun begins.
However as a result of reluctantly trying to do his spying job Matt gets closer and closer to Kristi and in the process, Matt and Kristi start to fall for each other.
But all does not go smoothly and Fuller reveals all to Kristi out about Matt's clandestine work which almost drives them apart but everything comes good in the end of a very enjoyable seasonal romantic comedy.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE CHRISTMAS CANDLE

The enchanting village of Gladbury lies deep in the heart of the English countryside, however it is no ordinary English village for legend has it that every 25 years an angel visits the village candle maker and touches a single candle in the Chandlers.
Furthermore whoever lights the blessed candle receives a miracle on Christmas Eve.
At the dawn of the electric age however in 1890, the centuries old legend might have run its course and come to an end.
Especially when David Richmond (Hans Matheson), a progressive young minister, arrives in Gladbury.
The villagers discover that he preaches about a different kind of miracles, and his formula consists of good deeds and acts of kindness.
However David's quest to modernize Gladbury sets him at odds with the old world Chandler Edward Haddington (Sylvester McCoy) but he finds an unlikely ally in the lovely sceptic, Emily Barstow (Samantha Barks).
David also tries to replace the candles in the church with electric light but things go amiss while the Chandlers wife Bea Haddington (Lesley Manville) is unable to find the Christmas Candle.
So when the candle maker fights to preserve the legacy of the Christmas Candle and David Richmond tries to embrace modernization, the miraculous and human collide in the most astonishing Christmas the village of Gladbury have ever witnessed.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS

A fun Christmas movie in which Luther Krank (Tim Allen) is fed up with the commerciality of Christmas anyway but when only daughter Blair (Julie Gonzalo) leaves and goes to another country he decides to skip the holiday and go on a vacation cruise with his wife Nora (Jamie Lee Curtis) instead.
All they have to do then is resist the pressure from their neighbours to participate in the house decorating contest and survive all the other seasonal nonsense.
But when their daughter calls on Christmas Eve and says she’s coming home for Christmas, it causes an uproar in the Krank household as the family scrambles to create a perfect Christmas from scratch in 12 hours will hilarious effect when the pesky neighbours suddenly become their allies.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

A sweet and amusing holiday romantic comedy in which busy single mom Jennifer Cullen (Brooke Burns) finds that the overwhelming tasks that go along with Christmas have taken the joy out of the holidays for her.
Trying to find the must have gift for her son Brian (Connor Christopher Levins) and trying to provide a traditional Christmas Dinner for her almost fiancé Richard Windom (Woody Jeffreys) and his parents was driving her berserk.
Then her Uncle Ralph (Henry Winkler) arrives at her home with the young, handsome Morgan Derby (Warren Christie).
Morgan's love of Christmas, and life, is contagious and as Jennifer glumly navigates through the holidays, she soon realizes that what she has needed most of all in her life was suddenly right under her nose.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – A GOLDEN CHRISTMAS

Jessica (Andrea Roth) is a federal lawyer who returns to her parent's home for Christmas with her son and hopes to surprise her parents by announcing she is going to buy the house.
However she soon discovers that the house where she grew up had already been sold to a stranger, Michael (Nicholas Brendon).
Jessica looked for ways to buy it back again by hook or by crook but he is as determined to keep the house as she is to steal it from under him.
The answer to the conundrum lies in a long ago summer vacation when a boy called “Han” and a girl called “Leah” spent the summer together and even buried a time capsule in the woods.
Alley Mills and Bruce Davison star as Jessica’s parents in the lovely Christmas story with a happy ending.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIES EVER – CALL ME CLAUS

Lucy Cullins Whoopi Goldberg, a very successful, but an even crankier producer at a home shopping network, who hires an actor named Nick (Nigel Hawthorne) to play Santa Claus on the network she gets a lot more than she bargained for because Nick really is Santa Claus.
The twist in the tale of this fun Christmas offering is that he faces mandatory retirement after 200 years in the red suit and he must find his replacement by Christmas Eve and Lucy is his number one choice.
She is however very reluctant and if he fails to convince her then the world will face dire consequences.
A really fun film and inspired casting to have a black woman Santa Claus.